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It's been two solid months since I've written anything.

I'm committing to starting again and not stopping.

That is still in the works.

So... this posting is just to say... I'll be posting soon.

:D

PS Jesus is amazing. The idea that change is actually possible just makes me want to hug someone.

a friend once told me that i shouldn't say "i want to..." unless i'm really trying to do whatever that thing is.

and it's sometimes hard because there is so much i want to do that just isn't possible right now and so much that i want to do that is but i'm just lazy. but the best thing i can do, for myself and others, is just shut my mouth and let it sit in my head unless i'm ready to jump it and do it.

hard. yes.

possible. yes.

so from now on if the words "i want to..." come out of my mouth you have full permission to hold me to it, even if i fail i will be trying like crazy to do whatever it is.

starting with skydiving.

i will be jumping out of a plane by the end of the september (that's 10 weeks).

I think marketing schools teach one thing... use sex to sell anything you have to sell, ever.

"SEO is HOT, sexy girls will show up if you use our SEO service"


i was amused by this.

warning: this will be all over the place.


life is really good in a lot of ways right now.

Job wise. Family wise. Money wise.

but still... something's missing... someone's far away... out of reach... disconnected... lost...


i'm in desperate need of some real friends, real community, real connection.

getting a taste here and there but it's hard because there is nothing consistent and all my orlando circles are so spread out...

then there's the girls...

one is too attached (amazing but not a good fit)

another attached to another (and a good friend)

and the girl...

nothing, nothing, not a thing... just blank stares at blank pages... ignored, unreturned, blocked, rejected, silent,

illusive

and either a really bad friend or something else entirely.



Jesus is what I need to fill this emptiness, but Jesus, beyond the Word and the Spirit is found in community.

Even John the Badass (not me) had disciples and others to interact with regularly.

And I do. But my trusted guy friends (the ones who would tell me to Not have sex) both live in other cities. And girls are just a problem right now... the ones who I'm cool with hanging out with are emotional wrecks (which is fine but not much in the way of community) or fall into the like me category.

So I was having a conversation with a friend the other night, the subject turned to relationships and by the end of the conversation I confested that I didn't know what it would take for me to give up my current relationships with girls for one to share my life with... there are just so many amazing women (props to big G) that I get to meet and know every day.

She would have to be someone who is passionate... that narrows it down a little.

She would have to be someone of character, not perfect but solid in who she is, and ready to take on life and the world (with grace and strength in the Jesus dept)... this helps a little bit more.

She would have to be someone who I can talk to, dig into life, spirituality, art, and people with, with whom I could get lost on tangents and side streets and stray thoughts and run in circles and discuss nothing and leave things forever open ended.... that makes a pretty big cut

She would have to love art and creation and want to make a life (if not a living) out of bringing God into life through creative mediums. This would mean her heart would be for people to experience God through her, my, and our collective artistic work.... ahhh, this takes us to single digits (of the women I know today)


A friend (old best friend, now married) once told me he thought it would be awesome if I met my wife after a theatrical show (movie or live)... he even said I should wait for it to happen...

i always thought he was crazy.... that i would just run into someone who fit and sparked after a random show

crazy... but maybe?

anyway.

i just feel numb. like the most exciting things are becoming bland

it's the second season of the chaos that has been going on since a year or so ago and i think the reality of singleness and post-college life and where-i-am-ness just really hit me hard these last few weeks.

and there have been a lot of break ups and other relationship issues lately... always stressful


so this post was rather self-centered and way too honest and really just a vent

thanks for reading my ramblings.