frenchrevolt's Xanga

Today should be different

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 14:56:20 GMT

It's Easter or in the case of many churches "Resurrection Sunday" and something is just off.

Life isn't what I planned.

The choices I have to make on an almost daily basis are more complicated with greater impact than ever before.

Two paths beckon me with promises of happiness, passion, and peace... which one is right? which one is best?

I started this year thinking I knew what had to be done. Now my confusion is overwhelming. Who do I turn to?

"Jesus, I am lost without you... don't leave me to my own judgement, I don't know where to go"

My daily prayer has become one of longing to know the direction but desperate for the next step.

Oh how I long to be 18 again, so sure of what to do - so ready to dive into my passion without a doubt of the outcome.

The end has come. The beginning has started.

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 02:55:15 GMT

It has been a rough 2009.

It was a crushing 2008.

And a painful 2007.

But the end of this journey has come.

Tonight I let her go. She is free from my heart and my mind.

Never have I realized just how much my heart needed to embrace the truth of the love lost.

I loved her. She loved me. It wasn't meant to be.

"Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend..."

Life, oh the beauty

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 04:22:21 GMT

It's been two solid months since I've written anything.

I'm committing to starting again and not stopping.

That is still in the works.

So... this posting is just to say... I'll be posting soon.

:D

PS Jesus is amazing. The idea that change is actually possible just makes me want to hug someone.

bliss is ignorant

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:37:46 GMT

it seems there must have been a time when i was ignorant of the wrong.

maybe when i was 5. still hopeful of all that life had to offer. just dreaming the days away.

but from a very young age i started to see the dark side of life. the evil in man's heart. the pain we inflict on each other and ourselves.

the other day, i'm riding in the car and stuffing my face with chips. then the thought occurs to me.

"i've already eaten today... in fact i've had three meals, many snacks, filtered water, and i've got half a large bag of chips in my hand...."

thinking about it then and now, i bet i had more food in my hands then some people, both in America and the world, eat in a whole day.

a whole day of food for some is my "in between snacks" snack.

the next day i'm at nomsa and it's hot outside. not particularly hot but not an optimal climate controlled atmosphere. what am i doing? talking about how hot it is. knowing but forgetting that i will be leaving to go to my air conditioned home in my air conditioned car.

here's where it really hits hard. people want to talk to me. to me.

this guy whose complaining about the weather.
the guy who stuffs his face but can't remember to set up a food schedule.

and they want to share their lives with me, a guy who couldn't hold a steady friendship if he was getting paid.
and it's bleak. not like the "world vision makes poor kids look cute" bleak, the real kind.

and there's nothing i can do. and there's nothing i can afford to fix it. and paying to fix it wouldn't fix it.

this is the hard part.

when poverty isn't a place you visit but a person you know and care about.
when pain isn't a emotional night but a daily experience for a good friend.

when all the people around you are thinking about where to go after a show (or if they should get an 8 or 16 GB iPhone) and all you can think about is how you can help someone earn enough to have laundry money or even food.

the hard part is knowing.

the blissful part is ignorance.

"oh Jesus, that i would not take lightly the cross you have invited me to bare. that you would open my eyes to the darkness and strengthen me to be the light. give me the Truth and show me Your Love so that i can speak it and live it as i go about my day. let the blessings we receive be loose in our hands and give us grace to love deeply the neighbors all around us."

doing what you want to do

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 01:52:43 GMT

a friend once told me that i shouldn't say "i want to..." unless i'm really trying to do whatever that thing is.

and it's sometimes hard because there is so much i want to do that just isn't possible right now and so much that i want to do that is but i'm just lazy. but the best thing i can do, for myself and others, is just shut my mouth and let it sit in my head unless i'm ready to jump it and do it.

hard. yes.

possible. yes.

so from now on if the words "i want to..." come out of my mouth you have full permission to hold me to it, even if i fail i will be trying like crazy to do whatever it is.

starting with skydiving.

i will be jumping out of a plane by the end of the september (that's 10 weeks).

long over due

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 02:43:26 GMT

it's been a while since i've posted.

a lot has happened.

drew and i got to chill this past weekend and that was really cool

recently i had a party and i realized something... i've started to fit in.

this is sad.

a few years back i was a Bible thumping, hard nosed "Christian person"

this is not who i want to be (although i fit in then too)

but i don't want to lose Christ while i try to reject what has become of the "Christian people"

He is worth rejection, even if it's rejection by the world and the "church"

even if it's rejection by my friends

even if it's rejection by my family

didn't He lose it all for me?

He was rejected by all so I could be accepted by the Father.

Not friends
Not family

It's a hard place to be. I've always felt like I was standing outside... until recently.

And it scares me to think what may come if that feeling goes away completely, especially when it should increase.

(sorry so serious this time)

(the dark knight was awesome)

(sarah hester is super cool)

"Jesus, help me follow you and become more like you. If you were outcast let me be outcast. If you were betrayed let me be betrayed. Let me live above reproach and expect no reward. Bring on the strife and controversy Your gospel creates. Love through me."

SEO and SEX?

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 16:35:19 GMT

I think marketing schools teach one thing... use sex to sell anything you have to sell, ever.

"SEO is HOT, sexy girls will show up if you use our SEO service"

i was amused by this.

Job's friends

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 03:22:33 GMT

i have a friend who lost his wife and two children this past year... in fact he lost his house, job, and the wreck that killed his family put him in a coma for 6 months.

so he's had a hard time the last couple of years and he's in a low place right now emotionally and spiritually.

the really sad part is a group of friends hang out with homeless people downtown orlando (where we met him) and one of the guys who sometimes helps out with our ministry kinda attacked him with "truth" - factual daggers of evangelism that have made it really hard to allow this friend of ours to open up more and allow us into his painful world.

it really hurts me to see him hurt by this guy's idea of love.

sad day, when satan wins by using passion for Christ against us.

the only thing that really gets me is that i could totally see myself doing the same thing without meaning too just a few years ago.

being so passionate and being brought up to "take the world for Christ" and going at it like a contest or war or mission in the mission impossible way... winning souls, taking captives for the kingdom, joining the army of the Lord

Love. Love. Love.

it's so different, just doesn't feel like it matches with the powerful God of the universe.

to listen

to wait

to let go

to share silence

our friend, the homeless one. he started on this journey with Christ a few months ago (after being told Jesus would make it all better) and he just needs some friends to walk through the valley with him. some guys to admit they don't have answers but are willing to stick around as companions. not like Job's friends.

it's amazing what God can do when we really depend on Him, especially when there are no answers and no light at the end of the long dark tunnel.

Jesus help us, Jesus help me to love without motive or goal but with reckless abandonment to everything but connection.

Love You. Love them.

numb

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:28:58 GMT

warning: this will be all over the place.

life is really good in a lot of ways right now.

Job wise. Family wise. Money wise.

but still... something's missing... someone's far away... out of reach... disconnected... lost...

i'm in desperate need of some real friends, real community, real connection.

getting a taste here and there but it's hard because there is nothing consistent and all my orlando circles are so spread out...

then there's the girls...

one is too attached (amazing but not a good fit)

another attached to another (and a good friend)

and the girl...

nothing, nothing, not a thing... just blank stares at blank pages... ignored, unreturned, blocked, rejected, silent,

illusive

and either a really bad friend or something else entirely.

Jesus is what I need to fill this emptiness, but Jesus, beyond the Word and the Spirit is found in community.

Even John the Badass (not me) had disciples and others to interact with regularly.

And I do. But my trusted guy friends (the ones who would tell me to Not have sex) both live in other cities. And girls are just a problem right now... the ones who I'm cool with hanging out with are emotional wrecks (which is fine but not much in the way of community) or fall into the like me category.

So I was having a conversation with a friend the other night, the subject turned to relationships and by the end of the conversation I confested that I didn't know what it would take for me to give up my current relationships with girls for one to share my life with... there are just so many amazing women (props to big G) that I get to meet and know every day.

She would have to be someone who is passionate... that narrows it down a little.

She would have to be someone of character, not perfect but solid in who she is, and ready to take on life and the world (with grace and strength in the Jesus dept)... this helps a little bit more.

She would have to be someone who I can talk to, dig into life, spirituality, art, and people with, with whom I could get lost on tangents and side streets and stray thoughts and run in circles and discuss nothing and leave things forever open ended.... that makes a pretty big cut

She would have to love art and creation and want to make a life (if not a living) out of bringing God into life through creative mediums. This would mean her heart would be for people to experience God through her, my, and our collective artistic work.... ahhh, this takes us to single digits (of the women I know today)

A friend (old best friend, now married) once told me he thought it would be awesome if I met my wife after a theatrical show (movie or live)... he even said I should wait for it to happen...

i always thought he was crazy.... that i would just run into someone who fit and sparked after a random show

crazy... but maybe?

anyway.

i just feel numb. like the most exciting things are becoming bland

it's the second season of the chaos that has been going on since a year or so ago and i think the reality of singleness and post-college life and where-i-am-ness just really hit me hard these last few weeks.

and there have been a lot of break ups and other relationship issues lately... always stressful

so this post was rather self-centered and way too honest and really just a vent

thanks for reading my ramblings.

Robots and other things...

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 15:42:00 GMT

I've been putting off blogging on life... seems like everything I think to blog about it is just too personal (crazy) for the internet.

Here's something fun until I can post something real.

Also, congrats go out to a friend who recently made a big decision. She's out of sorts right now but it was the best thing she could have done.

High five for courage.