It's Easter or in the case of many churches "Resurrection Sunday" and something is just off.

Life isn't what I planned.

The choices I have to make on an almost daily basis are more complicated with greater impact than ever before.

Two paths beckon me with promises of happiness, passion, and peace... which one is right? which one is best?

I started this year thinking I knew what had to be done. Now my confusion is overwhelming. Who do I turn to?

"Jesus, I am lost without you... don't leave me to my own judgement, I don't know where to go"

My daily prayer has become one of longing to know the direction but desperate for the next step.

Oh how I long to be 18 again, so sure of what to do - so ready to dive into my passion without a doubt of the outcome.

It has been a rough 2009.

It was a crushing 2008.

And a painful 2007.

But the end of this journey has come.

Tonight I let her go. She is free from my heart and my mind.

Never have I realized just how much my heart needed to embrace the truth of the love lost.

I loved her. She loved me. It wasn't meant to be.

"Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend..."

it seems there must have been a time when i was ignorant of the wrong.

maybe when i was 5. still hopeful of all that life had to offer. just dreaming the days away.

but from a very young age i started to see the dark side of life. the evil in man's heart. the pain we inflict on each other and ourselves.


the other day, i'm riding in the car and stuffing my face with chips. then the thought occurs to me.

"i've already eaten today... in fact i've had three meals, many snacks, filtered water, and i've got half a large bag of chips in my hand...."

thinking about it then and now, i bet i had more food in my hands then some people, both in America and the world, eat in a whole day.

a whole day of food for some is my "in between snacks" snack.


the next day i'm at nomsa and it's hot outside. not particularly hot but not an optimal climate controlled atmosphere. what am i doing? talking about how hot it is. knowing but forgetting that i will be leaving to go to my air conditioned home in my air conditioned car.

here's where it really hits hard. people want to talk to me. to me.

this guy whose complaining about the weather.
the guy who stuffs his face but can't remember to set up a food schedule.

and they want to share their lives with me, a guy who couldn't hold a steady friendship if he was getting paid.
and it's bleak. not like the "world vision makes poor kids look cute" bleak, the real kind.

and there's nothing i can do. and there's nothing i can afford to fix it. and paying to fix it wouldn't fix it.



this is the hard part.

when poverty isn't a place you visit but a person you know and care about.
when pain isn't a emotional night but a daily experience for a good friend.

when all the people around you are thinking about where to go after a show (or if they should get an 8 or 16 GB iPhone) and all you can think about is how you can help someone earn enough to have laundry money or even food.

the hard part is knowing.

the blissful part is ignorance.

"oh Jesus, that i would not take lightly the cross you have invited me to bare. that you would open my eyes to the darkness and strengthen me to be the light. give me the Truth and show me Your Love so that i can speak it and live it as i go about my day. let the blessings we receive be loose in our hands and give us grace to love deeply the neighbors all around us."